Three Questions You Should Never Ask Your Recovering Partner

Date Posted: December 08, 2014
Three Questions You Should Never Ask Your Recovering Partner

Like my peers, I used to wish I could get away with asking whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, to whomever I wanted. I grew up in the hippie land of "say it like it is," with everyone I knew striving for "full, authentic self-expression." It was an era that rewarded those who had tough skin and could tolerate brutally honest feedback from others, or who turned a blind eye on anyone whose feelings got hurt when they were "just speaking my truth" to that person.

Well, that era is long gone, and the age of compassion, emotional manners, and kindness is here. Boundaries and emotional considerateness are no longer regarded as a conspiracy to suppress freedom of expression. In fact, these are evidence of a recovering person's emotional sobriety.

Now that you are in a recovering relationship and feeling clear headed, take a moment to read the following questions you should never ask your partner, and why. If you take the time to memorize these three questions, and make a point never to ask them, you will save yourself much pain and heartache in your recovering relationship.

"How long do you think you're going to have to go to those meetings?"

There is nothing benign about this question. It implies that you think something is wrong with your partner, and that he or she is unhealthily dependent on outside help. This question shows that you think you're better than your partner. So, if you want to stay out of the doghouse, make sure you never utter this question.

"Does your sponsor know you're doing that?"

If you ever expect your partner to share the intimacies of his or her path of recovery, you can never interfere with his or her relationship with a sponsor. Having a sponsor is a very special and private relationship. Trust me, referring to your partner's relationship with his or her sponsor will only cause alienation. It's the kind of fight that will send you back to the doghouse again.

"How do I know you're not going to relapse?"

If you want to kill morale, undermine your recovering partner, or just basically make him or her feel unloved and unsupported, ask this question. Not only will this question breed enormous hostility, it will break your recovering partner's heart. As long as your recovering partner is clean and sober, he or she is clean and sober. I understand that it can be nerve-wracking to be in a relationship with someone who has a disease he or she will be dealing with for life, but this question is just a sign of anxiety having its way with you. Don't let it leak out onto your recovering partner.

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