Have a First Kiss With Your Recovering Partner, Over and Over Again…

Date Posted: May 27, 2014
Have a First Kiss With Your Recovering Partner, Over and Over Again…

If you've given up on ever recapturing those excited butterfly feelings in your stomach, or the dizzy happiness you felt with your first kiss with your recovering partner, think again.

You and your partner can learn how to get back the excitement if you are willing to step away from your iPhone, computer, TV, or whatever you're spending your extra time on, and step into focusing on your relationship. The key to having many first kisses is for you both to agree to get out of your heads, get back into your bodies, and experience yourselves in the present moment with each other.

If you are game, stop right now, sit down, close your eyes, take a breath, and welcome yourself into yourself with a little self-talk. Tell yourself, "Hi, me. Sorry I've been running around without you for days on end. I don't mean to neglect you, but life is hard." Don't get up until you have passed through the portal of discomfort and into the portal of comfort. This could take a few minutes, so be patient. Ever hold hot coals in your hands?

Next, ask your partner to sit next to you. Explain that you want to experience a first kiss again, and you have an exercise you read about on this blog that you want to try. This may sound cheeseball as you are reading it now, but it won't in person. Trust me.

The Exercise Has Two Parts


First, sit next to each other, shoulder to shoulder. Close your eyes and breathe. Alternate saying out loud exactly how you each are feeling. Have no judgment or opinion about what the other is expressing. For example, you might say, "I'm feeling scared and self-conscious." Okay, fine. Then your partner might say, "I feel numb and ridiculous." Okay, fine. Keep tracking back and forth until you have both landed on just feeling calm and curious. Then both say to each other, "I want to love you right now, in this very moment." As you do this, see if you can bring your awareness into the present. The most important rule is not to get impatient or stop before you get to the finishing line. By the way, if you haven't already noticed, this is called "foreplay."


The second part begins when you have arrived in the zone of calm and curious. Explain to your partner that you will take turns being the kisser and the kissee. As the kisser, you kiss your partner until he or she can feel you and your kiss. In this way, the kissee is always in charge of the kisser. The kisser agrees to slows down and sink deeper into his or her heart until the kissee can feel the kisser and the kiss. Then switch roles. This may take many trials. Stay with it until you can calm down again and feel a state of curiosity and play with each other. Ever try to find a needle in a haystack? It's in there somewhere.

If you and your partner are willing to tolerate distress and make yourselves known to the other, you will reignite honeymoon happiness foreplay. This, in turn, reignites great first kisses, which reignites chemistry, which reignites sexuality. The only way I have ever seen a couple fail at this exercise is by giving up too soon and reverting to texting each other safely from the next room. I encourage you to be patient and be brave. Your relationship is worth it.

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